NO shame on you, NO shame on me.

I wrote the other day about sex shaming, which I don’t feel completely finished with but I’m not sure how else to approach the subject. Today, I’d like to talk about body shaming, there are some beautiful campaigns and movements to get women and girls to accept and love their bodies, which is fabulous!!! However, I see a disturbing trend from women of bigger sizes, who feel the need to put down, make fun of, talk down to, women who are tiny. This is NOT OK. Not at ALL. I see it all over social media. “Real men like meat, bones are for dogs” is a popular meme that features one rather skinny woman, and one woman with curves. Again, this is NOT OK. It’s not ok to make ANYONE feel bad about their body! No girl/woman wants to be told she’s super fat. It doesn’t make them feel good. So why would you want to make a woman who is skinny feel bad about herself? I hear things from bigger girls like, I have a medical condition, it’s thyroid, it’s this, or it’s that. Well, that’s just fine, no big deal, but what about the girl that just walked by you in the store that’s a size zero and you turned to your friend/mother/sister/husband and made a fucked up comment, perhaps something like “bitch needs to eat” or “Crack head” What if that girl has a medical condition? What if her thyroid is bad? What if it’s just her natural genetics to be skinny, no matter how much she eats? Why, WHY WHY WHYYYYYY!? Would you turn around and do the EXACT same thing to someone else that you DESPISE being done to you?!

Now, I’m not here to preach about “One love” or “everyone should be the same” or anything like that. I get it, people are different, there will always be a difference of opinions, there will always be variety, and that’s a GOOD thing! That’s part of what makes the world such a great place. We not only as women, but as human beings, should be supportive, accepting, and non judgmental of EVERYONE. I’m not saying you can’t disagree, or have a differing opinion, what I’m saying is that everyone, all over the world, is dealing with SOMETHING. I wouldn’t even hazard a guess at some things, but you must remember that you have your problems (and if you tell me you have zero problems, first, I’m going to call you a liar, second, I’m going to roll my eyes and write you off as an asshole) and they have theirs. You’d probably be surprised at how many of us share the same problems.

I feel the need about now, to say/admit/put it out there, that I am a self proclaimed fat kid. I am over weight, I pretty much always have been “heavy” because of things that have happened to me in my past, things I deal with on a daily basis, ect. I will most likely always be over weight. I would also like to point out that the “BMI” for my height is RIDICULOUS. Complete and utter BULLSHIT. I’m 5’9 inches tall, the chart that I see most often says my ideal weight is between 140-156 pounds. Uh, no. The least I’ve ever weighed (which was while doing chemo and radiation) was 186 pounds, and I looked SICK. (Yes, I was sick, but I LOOKED it) I was a walking talking sack of bones. I wasn’t pretty, I wasn’t svelte. I was a skeleton, with skin. I never, ever ever ever EVER, want to go back to that. I think that scientists (HA) need to realize that it’s not something you can put on a chart, it’s not something that can just be labeled as “Healthy” or “Obese” I fully admit, I’m on a mission to lose some weight, not because I’m not happy with my body, but because I don’t feel healthy, I can honestly say I’d be fine if I didn’t lose weight, if I just upped my endurance, my muscle tone, ect. I’d still be fine with the way I am. Because I am ME. I’m not a number on a chart, I’m not the number on the scale, I worked hard to accept myself as I am, and while I don’t expect society to put me on the cover of Vanity Fair (that’d be SO COOL though!) I don’t want to be judged based on how I look.

This doesn’t just apply to people of high or low weight either. People with tattoos, people with glasses, piercings, people with anything other than the “Norm” which lets face it, there is NO MORE NORM. Norm is dead. Rest in Peace Norm.

As I said earlier, I’m a self proclaimed fat kid. I don’t have a problem saying it. I’m a fat kid! I’m a fat kid! See? Nothing wrong with it. Hey, Michelle Obama, I’M A FAT KID, SO SUCK IT. I hate the connotation of “Fat” always means bad. They’ve discovered healthy fats, so why can’t I be a healthy fat kid? People assume that because I’m a fat kid, I sit around and eat cake all day, or candy or whatever, sorry, that’s not me. I eat sweets, but it’s not an everyday thing. I eat healthy, although some days (more days than I’d like to admit) I don’t eat at all. I either don’t feel like it, or I forget (yes, I forget) or something comes up and I just don’t have the chance. I was on a really REALLY bad soda habit, but I’ve actually cut that down drastically, I’ve been drinking lots more water, some tea, some soda, but my bottom line is this: I’m going to eat, or drink whatever makes me happy. I don’t want to live a “healthy lifestyle” if it means I can’t eat chocolate chip cookies with my nephew, or drink my mommas homemade (very awesome) cocoa. I want to LIVE, and I want to do it on MY terms, no one else’s.

So, ladies and gents, next time you see a woman, who is a tiny size two, and your size 16 self wants to open it’s mouth and be rude.

STOP. Just stop.

Let’s start trying to figure out how to be accepting of EVERY body’s size, shape, height, ink, or lack thereof, and stop the name calling, YOU are not better than HER, SHE is not better than YOU. You’re BOTH wonderful creatures born to do great things, so stop worrying about others, and start in on that path!

Until next time,

Tiffannie

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From the ashes a fire shall be woken.

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. Things I probably shouldn’t be thinking, then again things I really need to thing about. I was seeing someone, and he was wonderful, a bit flakey, but still a good man, now that that has ended, I don’t feel the need to find someone new. But I still yearn for that ┬ábit of companionship, I miss Corey, in the worst possible way. It’s not even the not seeing him, it’s the not talking to him, I can’t text him whenever I want just to tell him something random. I mean, I have friends that I can do that with, right? So, why is it not the same? I even have a ton of guy friends that I could do that with, I could text Derek anything in the world, but it’s NOT the same. I love my friends, truly I do, it’s just not the same kind of love. I love Derek, Miles, Becca, Ren, Cheryl, everyone, but anyone who has ever been in love knows what I’m talking about, they know that being with someone creates a very different bond than friendship.

The bottom line in all of this rambling? I’m lonely. I want to wake up next to someone, to be able to text them and tell them something completely random that they just… get. I terribly miss my friends in Tulsa too, I can’t call Cheryl, Dori, or Ren and say, hey, let’s get Starbucks. I can’t text Derek and meet him for a beer at Twin Peaks (I like the food, he watches the bartenders) I can’t go to Ciao and hear Cynthia sing and listen to John pick on me for being on my phone. So, what do I do over here? I hang out with my sister and my mom, which is great I’m not complaining, or I go to Beccas house and hang out with them, but most of the time I just feel like I’m intruding on peoples lives, I’m like… a dark storm cloud. And it’s not because I’m negative all the time, I hide my depression really well around people. It’s more like I’m a reminder of something sad that they can’t do anything about.

So, my faithful followers, what should I do? Keep to myself? Look for love? (I’m kind of against this one) Just let things ride?

I know people are trying to help when they say “Oh, things will get better, your going to be fine, ect” But, they aren’t. Things are going to get worse, my health is never going to improve. Fact is, I’m going to be dead by this time next year. If I have accepted it, please stop trying to tell me I’ll get better, or I’ll be okay. Just accept it and support me in this situation.

Love you all.

T.