Why I do what I do….

I have a few nail mail girls that I regularly exchange packages with, I’m a regular pay it forwarder, and I love love love giving gifts to other people. Recently, some lovely ladies on Instagram started a PIF plan, the idea being to post the photo to your IG page, and the first five people who commented would at some point this year, get a gift from you, the “catch” being that they had to repost the photo and send out five gifts as well! Now most of my girls are into nail polish (Duh) but this plan was based on the fact that it didn’t have to be polish, it could be anything, but it would be a surprise. Now, any of you who actually have met me or spent any amount of time talking to me, you know that I absolutely love giving presents!

A lot of people asked me if I wanted to be included in their five for receiving a gift, and I politely declined, not because I dislike getting surprises, but because giving gifts makes me feel so much better than getting! I’m completely guilty of over gifting, when it comes to birthdays, Christmases, valentines day, I go all out, whether it’s for my significant other, or my family, hell, even my dogs get gifts on their birthdays!

I’ve always been a supporter of paying it forward, even before there was a movie or book. Random acts of kindness warm me from within spiritually, emotionally these acts give me a greater feeling than anything else. Which is why, when I lived in Tulsa, I made it a habit to pay for the car behind me in line at Starbucks, or pay for someone’s stuff when they didn’t have enough money. I still try to do it as much as possible, the other day, I walked into a gas station and was standing in line, a mother and a small child were buying snacks, and her debit card was being declined, all the little boy kept asking for was his string cheese, when she told him that he had to put it back, the look of heart break on his face just killed me, so I motioned to the cashier and told him I’d pay for their stuff, she turned around with this amazed look on her face and said “Why would you do that?” I just told her that next time she could, to do the same for someone else.

It made me feel good, I like being able to put good karma out into the world. Some times, people just need to be reminded that there are good people out there, that someone is paying attention to their struggles.

I’ve actually had someone ask me why I still feel the need to give when life has taken so much from me. I had to think on that a minute. Mostly, I don’t feel like life has really taken anything from me, yes, I have cancer and I’m likely in the last year of my life, my children were taken from me before they had a chance to grow, my marriages didn’t work the way I wanted them to, but I feel like everything that has happened in my life was a stepping stone or a building block to the person I am today. Along with my mother and family, who shaped who I am, my struggles and hardships made me empathetic, they made me strong, they made me compassionate, they have given me the distinct understanding of the fact that life really is to short to waste it on petty grievances. My children are waiting patiently for me in the arms of their great grandparents, great uncles and aunts, I will see them soon enough, and our reunion will be joyous and full of light and love. So, my life, my hardships, my struggles haven’t taken from me, but they have given me a strength and a love of life that I can not ignore.

So, I look forward to sending out my five surprise gifts, and I’ve made some amazing nail mail pals through Instagram, and I love sending packages to them and seeing the joys and happiness that opening a package from me hopefully brings them!

I hope this little bit of insight helps you to understand why I am the way I am, and why I love giving gifts and paying it forward.

Much love,

Tiffannie

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Oh My!

It has been a very very very long time since I posted anything, what with the holidays happening, plus health issues and life in general I haven’t had much time to say anything to  you all. But, I have some updates and photos to share, and my next post will be about one of my favorite things, Nail Polish! Oh, I can tell your excited already! Back to the holidays for a moment though. Thanksgiving was nice, we fixed a rather large dinner for just the four of us, but we ate and ate and then slept Ha! My mom, as always was an amazing cook, she made all the regular stuff, I didn’t really help do anything as I wasn’t feeling so hot, but it did turn out rather well. The photos below are from Thanksgiving, don’t you love mom’s vintage turkey platter? I think it’s adorable! Now, after the jump, we’ll talk about my nephew Talon’s birthday, then Christmas!

My nephew Talon turned to in December, and I being the rockin’ auntie that I am, go him something loud and annoying. A drum set. Yes, his parents hated me for a minute! He got some really cool toys and we had lots of fun watching him open things and eat his cake.

Christmas was, as always a very special time of year, I love hanging out with my family, I love decorating and shopping (duh!) to find the perfect gifts for those that I love. This year, I didn’t really ask for anything for Christmas, mostly because the only thing I truly wanted was to spend my last Christmas making everyone else delighted with their gifts. I think I managed to do that, and I got some cool stuff as well. Although, I have to say, gift of the year goes to Travis because he actually got me a tattoo. I mean, talk about the perfect gift! I’ll show it to you later! I decorated my house (of course) and then I helped mom put up her tree, which was always a fun tradition when I was growing up. We talked about making another big meal but decided we’d rather do something fun and non traditional. We always hang out on Christmas Eve and talk, or watch movies, have homemade cocoa, just relax before the manic busy sets in the next day. Well, frankly, no one was up for any busy-ness on Christmas, we all wanted to sit back, relax and just enjoy it. So, we did. I went and rented some movies, we had snacks of all sorts, I helped mom make three kinds of fudge, she made candied pecans (yum!) I made homemade toffee dip and apple slices, pinwheels, cream cheese pickles, and I bought (yes, I cheated) sugar cookies and hot chocolate cupcakes. Plus we had a platter of sausage, cheese and crackers, along with white cheese queso dip and chips. None of us were starving that night! Well, by the time the movies all finished up, it was about 2am on Christmas, so we took a vote and decided to go ahead and open gifts, that way we could all sleep in the next morning. Have I mentioned how glad I am that I no longer have to get up at 6am to see what Santa brought? I am, I like sleep way to much for that noise anymore! So everyone tore into their gifts, I was really happy to see everyone enjoying their presents. My mom got me, Beth and Becca matching shamrock necklaces, they’re very pretty! The Friday after Christmas we went over to Becca and Randy’s house to do Christmas with them, they got me a freaking hello kitty toaster. It’s about the best thing ever! So, that pretty much sums up Christmas! New years was kind of calm, went over to Brent and Emily’s, hung out with them, drank a little to much! Pretty basic. So far this year hasn’t done anything spectacular for me, except make me sicker than normal, my meds were doubled at the beginning of this month, so I’m still adjusting to a really high dose of chemo and steroids  but I’ll get used to it I’m sure! So, that’s pretty much what’s been going on in my life, I hope you enjoy the pictures I’ve shared and I hope your holidays were happy and filled with family and friends!

Much love until next time!

Tiffannie

From the ashes a fire shall be woken.

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. Things I probably shouldn’t be thinking, then again things I really need to thing about. I was seeing someone, and he was wonderful, a bit flakey, but still a good man, now that that has ended, I don’t feel the need to find someone new. But I still yearn for that  bit of companionship, I miss Corey, in the worst possible way. It’s not even the not seeing him, it’s the not talking to him, I can’t text him whenever I want just to tell him something random. I mean, I have friends that I can do that with, right? So, why is it not the same? I even have a ton of guy friends that I could do that with, I could text Derek anything in the world, but it’s NOT the same. I love my friends, truly I do, it’s just not the same kind of love. I love Derek, Miles, Becca, Ren, Cheryl, everyone, but anyone who has ever been in love knows what I’m talking about, they know that being with someone creates a very different bond than friendship.

The bottom line in all of this rambling? I’m lonely. I want to wake up next to someone, to be able to text them and tell them something completely random that they just… get. I terribly miss my friends in Tulsa too, I can’t call Cheryl, Dori, or Ren and say, hey, let’s get Starbucks. I can’t text Derek and meet him for a beer at Twin Peaks (I like the food, he watches the bartenders) I can’t go to Ciao and hear Cynthia sing and listen to John pick on me for being on my phone. So, what do I do over here? I hang out with my sister and my mom, which is great I’m not complaining, or I go to Beccas house and hang out with them, but most of the time I just feel like I’m intruding on peoples lives, I’m like… a dark storm cloud. And it’s not because I’m negative all the time, I hide my depression really well around people. It’s more like I’m a reminder of something sad that they can’t do anything about.

So, my faithful followers, what should I do? Keep to myself? Look for love? (I’m kind of against this one) Just let things ride?

I know people are trying to help when they say “Oh, things will get better, your going to be fine, ect” But, they aren’t. Things are going to get worse, my health is never going to improve. Fact is, I’m going to be dead by this time next year. If I have accepted it, please stop trying to tell me I’ll get better, or I’ll be okay. Just accept it and support me in this situation.

Love you all.

T.