Shame, guilt, and other bullshit.

I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot of stuff I don’t like lately. Slut shaming, body shaming, religious shaming, I’m just overall tired of it. I’ve been  a victim of shaming my whole life, and it’s never a good feeling. Now, I’m not a very outspoken advocate for much of anything. However, after hearing and seeing all of these things, and having felt the intense feelings that this behavior brings, I really just want to put my two cents in.

I’ll start off by saying, I do my best, everyday, to not judge people. I truly believe that I have absolutely NO business judging someone by what they do, who they are, what they believe. I’m strictly a mind my own damned business kind of person. I will add though, that if you are either an animal or child abuser, I’m not only judging you, I might actually be planning your death in my head.

I know that there are “traditional” morals and values that people feel compelled to go by, I understand that there have always been different standards for men and women. But I honestly figured that by the year 2014, with the female equality in the workplace, in public, everywhere really, there would be much less of today’s double standards from a moral perspective. In the past, men who “had” a lot of women, were considered awesome, manly, even lucky. Cheating on your wife wasn’t truly even looked down upon, but a wife…phew, don’t let her get caught A) having sex before marriage B) cheating on a husband or C) showing any form of sexual confidence or competence. Today, admittedly, women have slightly more say in their sexuality, and reproductive rights. BUT. Yes, that’s a big but, Women, who are archaically called “Promiscuous” are still considered sluts, whores, bitches, easy, loose, ect. MY only question is

WHY? WHY WHY WHY!?!?!?!

I am a 33 year old woman. I LOVE sex. I love it. I love everything about it. I love everything from making out to the primal, lust driven climaxes of both parties. To me, sex is a beautiful, fun, dirty, sweaty, messy adventure. I don’t believe it should only be done for procreation, I also don’t think there’s a damned thing wrong with women owning the fact that they love it. It’s a very disturbing behavior that people (including people I know personally) will talk down to people, make fun of them, call them names, just because they openly admit and go after what they want. If you like sex, whether you’re a man or woman, and you have sex a lot, whether with one person or several, as long as you’re safe about it (condoms, regular std testing, birth control, ect) then go for it. Own that shit. I don’t condone cheating on a partner, so don’t take it that way. I do however think there are ALL kinds of relationships. I also believe in the importance of being extremely up front with whomever your with about the things that make you happy and unhappy. If you, like me, can’t foresee being with one person in a marriage, then don’t do it.

It angers me so much when people judge other people, and begs the question, is it hurting you? No? Then what business is it of yours?!?! I especially dislike the two main types of judgmental people, the hypocrites, and the ones who’ve never experienced anything, but feel they have the right to judge anyway. So, from now on, before you judge anyone on how they live their lives, maybe you should stop, take a breath, ask yourself if they’re hurting you, or if their lifestyle effects yours in ANY way. No? Then take off you’re judging robes and go live your own life.

Judging is just another form of bullying, and with all of the programs, awareness campaigns, I would think that most of them would at least touch on this subject, but it seems to be some type of taboo subject, something that women, are supposed to feel guilty about, something to hide. We, as women, aren’t supposed to say “Hey, I want to get laid, so, I’m going to hook up with a guy and get laid” These are not things “good people” say. Well, I’m a good person, and I’ll say it. Guilt is for people who don’t want to be happy, for people who need to control other people, and it’s bullshit. Complete and total bullshit.

This turned out to be a much longer post than I figured, so I think I’m going to break it up into smaller parts, next, I’m going to put my two cents in on body shaming.

Much Love,

Tiffannie

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Hello world, it’s been awhile.

My oh my, I’m writing, again. Uh oh, she must be feeling melancholy. Well, I am a bit, but not to bad. Lots has happened since I wrote last. So much I actually have a hard time trying to remember all of it. There was St Paddy’s day, which rocked. That whole weekend is kind of a drunken blur. It was great! Then the “tragedy” that was the guy I was dating ended (thankfully) he just… wasn’t for me, to much drama and anger in his life. So, I actually met a new guy named Levi, like him a lot, but the he was in a car accident and was in ICU in St Louis for a couple of weeks, he’s out now and doing better, but I still haven’t been able to see him, I’m hoping to do so this week (maybe that’s my birthday wish?) Yes, I have a birthday coming up on Wednesday , which I always feel forgotten on my birthday, maybe not forgotten, but like I’m not really worth celebrating. I kind of feel like that at Christmas too. Maybe I’m to old to expect someone to be happy I’m alive, I don’t know. Rationally, I know that part of my problem is jealousy, I’m jealous of my sister, the baby, the sheltered, protected, spoiled kid. Don’t get me wrong, I fully helped in the spoiling, but, a lot of holidays, I kind of feel like my mom views me as something to be rushed past, not as something to be celebrated. Last year, she and I got together, and came up with adoption papers for my best friend (now sister), we got her pictures and a beautiful book to put them in. Beth got a puppy(!) for her last birthday and we went out to celebrate with dinner/drinks and karaoke, then came home and had cake. My last birthday, I got a fern. Yep. So, yeah, I feel like the red headed step child. Well, except, I’m blonde, and my sister is red headed. But you generally get my drift. I don’t need a Super sweet 16, I don’t need a range rover or diamonds. Just someone to sit and actually think, I bet she would really love this, this is SO Tiff. We’ll see.

So, yesterday…. 9 years since my dad died. (another reason my birthday sucks, we buried dad on my birthday) Some days it feels like it just happened, others it seems like it’s been so much longer. I still don’t know exactly how I feel about the whole thing. Most days, I feel like I’m over it completely, then either sadness or anger wells up out of no where and it leaves me shocked and breathless. I know it’s healthy to let go of old anger and bad things, but sometimes, you really just want to yell at them all over again.

Anyways, so I’m still collecting nail polish like crazy (very crazy if you ask Levi) but hey, I love it, and it’s fun for me. I’m sure there are a million other things I could write, but I just sprayed my keyboard with cleaner and the smell is gagging me, so, Here’s to a birthday they said I wouldn’t have.

Much Love.

Tiffannie

Why I do what I do….

I have a few nail mail girls that I regularly exchange packages with, I’m a regular pay it forwarder, and I love love love giving gifts to other people. Recently, some lovely ladies on Instagram started a PIF plan, the idea being to post the photo to your IG page, and the first five people who commented would at some point this year, get a gift from you, the “catch” being that they had to repost the photo and send out five gifts as well! Now most of my girls are into nail polish (Duh) but this plan was based on the fact that it didn’t have to be polish, it could be anything, but it would be a surprise. Now, any of you who actually have met me or spent any amount of time talking to me, you know that I absolutely love giving presents!

A lot of people asked me if I wanted to be included in their five for receiving a gift, and I politely declined, not because I dislike getting surprises, but because giving gifts makes me feel so much better than getting! I’m completely guilty of over gifting, when it comes to birthdays, Christmases, valentines day, I go all out, whether it’s for my significant other, or my family, hell, even my dogs get gifts on their birthdays!

I’ve always been a supporter of paying it forward, even before there was a movie or book. Random acts of kindness warm me from within spiritually, emotionally these acts give me a greater feeling than anything else. Which is why, when I lived in Tulsa, I made it a habit to pay for the car behind me in line at Starbucks, or pay for someone’s stuff when they didn’t have enough money. I still try to do it as much as possible, the other day, I walked into a gas station and was standing in line, a mother and a small child were buying snacks, and her debit card was being declined, all the little boy kept asking for was his string cheese, when she told him that he had to put it back, the look of heart break on his face just killed me, so I motioned to the cashier and told him I’d pay for their stuff, she turned around with this amazed look on her face and said “Why would you do that?” I just told her that next time she could, to do the same for someone else.

It made me feel good, I like being able to put good karma out into the world. Some times, people just need to be reminded that there are good people out there, that someone is paying attention to their struggles.

I’ve actually had someone ask me why I still feel the need to give when life has taken so much from me. I had to think on that a minute. Mostly, I don’t feel like life has really taken anything from me, yes, I have cancer and I’m likely in the last year of my life, my children were taken from me before they had a chance to grow, my marriages didn’t work the way I wanted them to, but I feel like everything that has happened in my life was a stepping stone or a building block to the person I am today. Along with my mother and family, who shaped who I am, my struggles and hardships made me empathetic, they made me strong, they made me compassionate, they have given me the distinct understanding of the fact that life really is to short to waste it on petty grievances. My children are waiting patiently for me in the arms of their great grandparents, great uncles and aunts, I will see them soon enough, and our reunion will be joyous and full of light and love. So, my life, my hardships, my struggles haven’t taken from me, but they have given me a strength and a love of life that I can not ignore.

So, I look forward to sending out my five surprise gifts, and I’ve made some amazing nail mail pals through Instagram, and I love sending packages to them and seeing the joys and happiness that opening a package from me hopefully brings them!

I hope this little bit of insight helps you to understand why I am the way I am, and why I love giving gifts and paying it forward.

Much love,

Tiffannie

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Oh My!

It has been a very very very long time since I posted anything, what with the holidays happening, plus health issues and life in general I haven’t had much time to say anything to  you all. But, I have some updates and photos to share, and my next post will be about one of my favorite things, Nail Polish! Oh, I can tell your excited already! Back to the holidays for a moment though. Thanksgiving was nice, we fixed a rather large dinner for just the four of us, but we ate and ate and then slept Ha! My mom, as always was an amazing cook, she made all the regular stuff, I didn’t really help do anything as I wasn’t feeling so hot, but it did turn out rather well. The photos below are from Thanksgiving, don’t you love mom’s vintage turkey platter? I think it’s adorable! Now, after the jump, we’ll talk about my nephew Talon’s birthday, then Christmas!

My nephew Talon turned to in December, and I being the rockin’ auntie that I am, go him something loud and annoying. A drum set. Yes, his parents hated me for a minute! He got some really cool toys and we had lots of fun watching him open things and eat his cake.

Christmas was, as always a very special time of year, I love hanging out with my family, I love decorating and shopping (duh!) to find the perfect gifts for those that I love. This year, I didn’t really ask for anything for Christmas, mostly because the only thing I truly wanted was to spend my last Christmas making everyone else delighted with their gifts. I think I managed to do that, and I got some cool stuff as well. Although, I have to say, gift of the year goes to Travis because he actually got me a tattoo. I mean, talk about the perfect gift! I’ll show it to you later! I decorated my house (of course) and then I helped mom put up her tree, which was always a fun tradition when I was growing up. We talked about making another big meal but decided we’d rather do something fun and non traditional. We always hang out on Christmas Eve and talk, or watch movies, have homemade cocoa, just relax before the manic busy sets in the next day. Well, frankly, no one was up for any busy-ness on Christmas, we all wanted to sit back, relax and just enjoy it. So, we did. I went and rented some movies, we had snacks of all sorts, I helped mom make three kinds of fudge, she made candied pecans (yum!) I made homemade toffee dip and apple slices, pinwheels, cream cheese pickles, and I bought (yes, I cheated) sugar cookies and hot chocolate cupcakes. Plus we had a platter of sausage, cheese and crackers, along with white cheese queso dip and chips. None of us were starving that night! Well, by the time the movies all finished up, it was about 2am on Christmas, so we took a vote and decided to go ahead and open gifts, that way we could all sleep in the next morning. Have I mentioned how glad I am that I no longer have to get up at 6am to see what Santa brought? I am, I like sleep way to much for that noise anymore! So everyone tore into their gifts, I was really happy to see everyone enjoying their presents. My mom got me, Beth and Becca matching shamrock necklaces, they’re very pretty! The Friday after Christmas we went over to Becca and Randy’s house to do Christmas with them, they got me a freaking hello kitty toaster. It’s about the best thing ever! So, that pretty much sums up Christmas! New years was kind of calm, went over to Brent and Emily’s, hung out with them, drank a little to much! Pretty basic. So far this year hasn’t done anything spectacular for me, except make me sicker than normal, my meds were doubled at the beginning of this month, so I’m still adjusting to a really high dose of chemo and steroids  but I’ll get used to it I’m sure! So, that’s pretty much what’s been going on in my life, I hope you enjoy the pictures I’ve shared and I hope your holidays were happy and filled with family and friends!

Much love until next time!

Tiffannie

Moral Compass.

It’s been a long while since I wrote, I can’t seem to get the hang of writing every day, I can take hundreds of pictures every day, but they require no words. There has been a lot and a little going on, mostly just life, or something like it, but it all seems to be hitting all at once. It’s a constant barrage of bad shit, good shit and dumb shit that leaves my head spinning right round, right round like a record baby….Ok, sorry. There’s just been so much happening that I really don’t even know where to begin. So. I won’t. I’ll hit the highs and lows, but leave the mundane shit out, which is probably good, since, who wants to read a mundane blog post anyway? Right? Right! Well, I found out that the guy I was seeing was married. Yeah, Married. With a pregnant wife. He is mentioned in previous posts, so I won’t bother with putting it here. It hurt me so badly to find out that he had lied to me the entire time we were seeing each other, but then, I started feeling horribly guilty, because I have been in his wifes place, I know what she will feel when she finds out, and she’ll find out, eventually, it all comes out in the wash. So, that was a huge kick in the gut for me, I mean, I really loved him, with all I had, and yet, he chose to do this to me. Now, I may not be what everyone would call a “good person” which is a completely relative term for me. I suppose I should say a little something about my so called “moral compass” before I go on about all this, I know that there are Christians out there that live according to their beliefs, their church and the bible. I have not one problem with that. I’m Catholic, I don’t go as often as I should, I know this, but I also know I have a good relationship with God. He’s not hatin’ on me, and I’m not hatin’ on him. I do things according to MY rules, yes, I live by Gods rules as well, but my rules are a bit more flexible, I’m pro choice, I support gay marriage, and equal rights, I don’t like illegal immigrants that come to take advantage of our country, I think sporting a gun is a right everyone should have, I think the penalty for child molestation should be the death penalty. I pay it forward all the time, if I have a friend in need, I do everything I can to help. I do what *I* feel is right, I have rules and standards that I hold myself to, I don’t mess around with married men, I don’t mess around on a spouse. If your unhappy, get a divorce, it’s pretty simple, and I’m sure I could get into debates about this rule and that one, but I don’t need to. I live my life to be a good person, to be kind, to help others and try to find happiness. So, when I found out Corey was married, I was devastated, because not only did he lie to me, he put my in a position without my knowledge to break one of my rules, and that makes me so mad. But I’m doing my best to just forgive and forget.

This post has ended up being so long that now I feel bad if I go on. Haha. I think I’m going to post this, then write a new one later tonight. Don’t worry, it won’t be all bad 🙂

Tiffannie

Things that just PISS ME OFF.

I have to vent about this somewhere and since this is my own personal platform for these things, I’ll just go right ahead and put it on here. Corey decided out of the blue that he was going to stop communicating with me. I haven’t heard from him in a month at least, until tonight when I got an email. Yeah, a FUCKING EMAIL. It was only one sentence, “It soothes my soul to know your ok”

Are you KIDDING me? So, I cried, cause well I’m a bit of a cry baby lately. Then, I thought about it, and I got MAD, like, had to much whiskey and need to punch something mad. It felt….righteous. I’m posting my return email to him, just because, again. feels right. Sorry for the cursing, but sometimes sentence enhancers are all you got.

Do you know what it’s like to not be able to get out of bed everyday, or to face the unbelievable amount of pain that I am in. I spent last weekend in the hospital, getting spinal tap after spinal tap just so they could make sure the cancer isn’t eating my spinal cord. It was SO FUN. I’m so glad that you have time between work and your kid and your wife/gf/fuckbuddy that you took the time to EMAIL me, rather than text or call to really let me know that you never even gave a shit. It’s great having a broken heart to go along with my broken body. I love you still, and I dream about you every night. But you can take your soul soothing and shove it straight up your cowardly lying ass. Until you grow a set of nuts and actually come out with the TRUTH about why you chose to end things like you did, it would probably be easier if you just left me alone, since you are SO GOOD AT BREAKING PROMISES, I’m sure you won’t have any problem with that. I love facing this disease everyday, ALONE, because you can’t keep your word.

Always,
T.