NO shame on you, NO shame on me.

I wrote the other day about sex shaming, which I don’t feel completely finished with but I’m not sure how else to approach the subject. Today, I’d like to talk about body shaming, there are some beautiful campaigns and movements to get women and girls to accept and love their bodies, which is fabulous!!! However, I see a disturbing trend from women of bigger sizes, who feel the need to put down, make fun of, talk down to, women who are tiny. This is NOT OK. Not at ALL. I see it all over social media. “Real men like meat, bones are for dogs” is a popular meme that features one rather skinny woman, and one woman with curves. Again, this is NOT OK. It’s not ok to make ANYONE feel bad about their body! No girl/woman wants to be told she’s super fat. It doesn’t make them feel good. So why would you want to make a woman who is skinny feel bad about herself? I hear things from bigger girls like, I have a medical condition, it’s thyroid, it’s this, or it’s that. Well, that’s just fine, no big deal, but what about the girl that just walked by you in the store that’s a size zero and you turned to your friend/mother/sister/husband and made a fucked up comment, perhaps something like “bitch needs to eat” or “Crack head” What if that girl has a medical condition? What if her thyroid is bad? What if it’s just her natural genetics to be skinny, no matter how much she eats? Why, WHY WHY WHYYYYYY!? Would you turn around and do the EXACT same thing to someone else that you DESPISE being done to you?!

Now, I’m not here to preach about “One love” or “everyone should be the same” or anything like that. I get it, people are different, there will always be a difference of opinions, there will always be variety, and that’s a GOOD thing! That’s part of what makes the world such a great place. We not only as women, but as human beings, should be supportive, accepting, and non judgmental of EVERYONE. I’m not saying you can’t disagree, or have a differing opinion, what I’m saying is that everyone, all over the world, is dealing with SOMETHING. I wouldn’t even hazard a guess at some things, but you must remember that you have your problems (and if you tell me you have zero problems, first, I’m going to call you a liar, second, I’m going to roll my eyes and write you off as an asshole) and they have theirs. You’d probably be surprised at how many of us share the same problems.

I feel the need about now, to say/admit/put it out there, that I am a self proclaimed fat kid. I am over weight, I pretty much always have been “heavy” because of things that have happened to me in my past, things I deal with on a daily basis, ect. I will most likely always be over weight. I would also like to point out that the “BMI” for my height is RIDICULOUS. Complete and utter BULLSHIT. I’m 5’9 inches tall, the chart that I see most often says my ideal weight is between 140-156 pounds. Uh, no. The least I’ve ever weighed (which was while doing chemo and radiation) was 186 pounds, and I looked SICK. (Yes, I was sick, but I LOOKED it) I was a walking talking sack of bones. I wasn’t pretty, I wasn’t svelte. I was a skeleton, with skin. I never, ever ever ever EVER, want to go back to that. I think that scientists (HA) need to realize that it’s not something you can put on a chart, it’s not something that can just be labeled as “Healthy” or “Obese” I fully admit, I’m on a mission to lose some weight, not because I’m not happy with my body, but because I don’t feel healthy, I can honestly say I’d be fine if I didn’t lose weight, if I just upped my endurance, my muscle tone, ect. I’d still be fine with the way I am. Because I am ME. I’m not a number on a chart, I’m not the number on the scale, I worked hard to accept myself as I am, and while I don’t expect society to put me on the cover of Vanity Fair (that’d be SO COOL though!) I don’t want to be judged based on how I look.

This doesn’t just apply to people of high or low weight either. People with tattoos, people with glasses, piercings, people with anything other than the “Norm” which lets face it, there is NO MORE NORM. Norm is dead. Rest in Peace Norm.

As I said earlier, I’m a self proclaimed fat kid. I don’t have a problem saying it. I’m a fat kid! I’m a fat kid! See? Nothing wrong with it. Hey, Michelle Obama, I’M A FAT KID, SO SUCK IT. I hate the connotation of “Fat” always means bad. They’ve discovered healthy fats, so why can’t I be a healthy fat kid? People assume that because I’m a fat kid, I sit around and eat cake all day, or candy or whatever, sorry, that’s not me. I eat sweets, but it’s not an everyday thing. I eat healthy, although some days (more days than I’d like to admit) I don’t eat at all. I either don’t feel like it, or I forget (yes, I forget) or something comes up and I just don’t have the chance. I was on a really REALLY bad soda habit, but I’ve actually cut that down drastically, I’ve been drinking lots more water, some tea, some soda, but my bottom line is this: I’m going to eat, or drink whatever makes me happy. I don’t want to live a “healthy lifestyle” if it means I can’t eat chocolate chip cookies with my nephew, or drink my mommas homemade (very awesome) cocoa. I want to LIVE, and I want to do it on MY terms, no one else’s.

So, ladies and gents, next time you see a woman, who is a tiny size two, and your size 16 self wants to open it’s mouth and be rude.

STOP. Just stop.

Let’s start trying to figure out how to be accepting of EVERY body’s size, shape, height, ink, or lack thereof, and stop the name calling, YOU are not better than HER, SHE is not better than YOU. You’re BOTH wonderful creatures born to do great things, so stop worrying about others, and start in on that path!

Until next time,

Tiffannie

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Shame, guilt, and other bullshit.

I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot of stuff I don’t like lately. Slut shaming, body shaming, religious shaming, I’m just overall tired of it. I’ve been  a victim of shaming my whole life, and it’s never a good feeling. Now, I’m not a very outspoken advocate for much of anything. However, after hearing and seeing all of these things, and having felt the intense feelings that this behavior brings, I really just want to put my two cents in.

I’ll start off by saying, I do my best, everyday, to not judge people. I truly believe that I have absolutely NO business judging someone by what they do, who they are, what they believe. I’m strictly a mind my own damned business kind of person. I will add though, that if you are either an animal or child abuser, I’m not only judging you, I might actually be planning your death in my head.

I know that there are “traditional” morals and values that people feel compelled to go by, I understand that there have always been different standards for men and women. But I honestly figured that by the year 2014, with the female equality in the workplace, in public, everywhere really, there would be much less of today’s double standards from a moral perspective. In the past, men who “had” a lot of women, were considered awesome, manly, even lucky. Cheating on your wife wasn’t truly even looked down upon, but a wife…phew, don’t let her get caught A) having sex before marriage B) cheating on a husband or C) showing any form of sexual confidence or competence. Today, admittedly, women have slightly more say in their sexuality, and reproductive rights. BUT. Yes, that’s a big but, Women, who are archaically called “Promiscuous” are still considered sluts, whores, bitches, easy, loose, ect. MY only question is

WHY? WHY WHY WHY!?!?!?!

I am a 33 year old woman. I LOVE sex. I love it. I love everything about it. I love everything from making out to the primal, lust driven climaxes of both parties. To me, sex is a beautiful, fun, dirty, sweaty, messy adventure. I don’t believe it should only be done for procreation, I also don’t think there’s a damned thing wrong with women owning the fact that they love it. It’s a very disturbing behavior that people (including people I know personally) will talk down to people, make fun of them, call them names, just because they openly admit and go after what they want. If you like sex, whether you’re a man or woman, and you have sex a lot, whether with one person or several, as long as you’re safe about it (condoms, regular std testing, birth control, ect) then go for it. Own that shit. I don’t condone cheating on a partner, so don’t take it that way. I do however think there are ALL kinds of relationships. I also believe in the importance of being extremely up front with whomever your with about the things that make you happy and unhappy. If you, like me, can’t foresee being with one person in a marriage, then don’t do it.

It angers me so much when people judge other people, and begs the question, is it hurting you? No? Then what business is it of yours?!?! I especially dislike the two main types of judgmental people, the hypocrites, and the ones who’ve never experienced anything, but feel they have the right to judge anyway. So, from now on, before you judge anyone on how they live their lives, maybe you should stop, take a breath, ask yourself if they’re hurting you, or if their lifestyle effects yours in ANY way. No? Then take off you’re judging robes and go live your own life.

Judging is just another form of bullying, and with all of the programs, awareness campaigns, I would think that most of them would at least touch on this subject, but it seems to be some type of taboo subject, something that women, are supposed to feel guilty about, something to hide. We, as women, aren’t supposed to say “Hey, I want to get laid, so, I’m going to hook up with a guy and get laid” These are not things “good people” say. Well, I’m a good person, and I’ll say it. Guilt is for people who don’t want to be happy, for people who need to control other people, and it’s bullshit. Complete and total bullshit.

This turned out to be a much longer post than I figured, so I think I’m going to break it up into smaller parts, next, I’m going to put my two cents in on body shaming.

Much Love,

Tiffannie

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Hello world, it’s been awhile.

My oh my, I’m writing, again. Uh oh, she must be feeling melancholy. Well, I am a bit, but not to bad. Lots has happened since I wrote last. So much I actually have a hard time trying to remember all of it. There was St Paddy’s day, which rocked. That whole weekend is kind of a drunken blur. It was great! Then the “tragedy” that was the guy I was dating ended (thankfully) he just… wasn’t for me, to much drama and anger in his life. So, I actually met a new guy named Levi, like him a lot, but the he was in a car accident and was in ICU in St Louis for a couple of weeks, he’s out now and doing better, but I still haven’t been able to see him, I’m hoping to do so this week (maybe that’s my birthday wish?) Yes, I have a birthday coming up on Wednesday , which I always feel forgotten on my birthday, maybe not forgotten, but like I’m not really worth celebrating. I kind of feel like that at Christmas too. Maybe I’m to old to expect someone to be happy I’m alive, I don’t know. Rationally, I know that part of my problem is jealousy, I’m jealous of my sister, the baby, the sheltered, protected, spoiled kid. Don’t get me wrong, I fully helped in the spoiling, but, a lot of holidays, I kind of feel like my mom views me as something to be rushed past, not as something to be celebrated. Last year, she and I got together, and came up with adoption papers for my best friend (now sister), we got her pictures and a beautiful book to put them in. Beth got a puppy(!) for her last birthday and we went out to celebrate with dinner/drinks and karaoke, then came home and had cake. My last birthday, I got a fern. Yep. So, yeah, I feel like the red headed step child. Well, except, I’m blonde, and my sister is red headed. But you generally get my drift. I don’t need a Super sweet 16, I don’t need a range rover or diamonds. Just someone to sit and actually think, I bet she would really love this, this is SO Tiff. We’ll see.

So, yesterday…. 9 years since my dad died. (another reason my birthday sucks, we buried dad on my birthday) Some days it feels like it just happened, others it seems like it’s been so much longer. I still don’t know exactly how I feel about the whole thing. Most days, I feel like I’m over it completely, then either sadness or anger wells up out of no where and it leaves me shocked and breathless. I know it’s healthy to let go of old anger and bad things, but sometimes, you really just want to yell at them all over again.

Anyways, so I’m still collecting nail polish like crazy (very crazy if you ask Levi) but hey, I love it, and it’s fun for me. I’m sure there are a million other things I could write, but I just sprayed my keyboard with cleaner and the smell is gagging me, so, Here’s to a birthday they said I wouldn’t have.

Much Love.

Tiffannie

Why I do what I do….

I have a few nail mail girls that I regularly exchange packages with, I’m a regular pay it forwarder, and I love love love giving gifts to other people. Recently, some lovely ladies on Instagram started a PIF plan, the idea being to post the photo to your IG page, and the first five people who commented would at some point this year, get a gift from you, the “catch” being that they had to repost the photo and send out five gifts as well! Now most of my girls are into nail polish (Duh) but this plan was based on the fact that it didn’t have to be polish, it could be anything, but it would be a surprise. Now, any of you who actually have met me or spent any amount of time talking to me, you know that I absolutely love giving presents!

A lot of people asked me if I wanted to be included in their five for receiving a gift, and I politely declined, not because I dislike getting surprises, but because giving gifts makes me feel so much better than getting! I’m completely guilty of over gifting, when it comes to birthdays, Christmases, valentines day, I go all out, whether it’s for my significant other, or my family, hell, even my dogs get gifts on their birthdays!

I’ve always been a supporter of paying it forward, even before there was a movie or book. Random acts of kindness warm me from within spiritually, emotionally these acts give me a greater feeling than anything else. Which is why, when I lived in Tulsa, I made it a habit to pay for the car behind me in line at Starbucks, or pay for someone’s stuff when they didn’t have enough money. I still try to do it as much as possible, the other day, I walked into a gas station and was standing in line, a mother and a small child were buying snacks, and her debit card was being declined, all the little boy kept asking for was his string cheese, when she told him that he had to put it back, the look of heart break on his face just killed me, so I motioned to the cashier and told him I’d pay for their stuff, she turned around with this amazed look on her face and said “Why would you do that?” I just told her that next time she could, to do the same for someone else.

It made me feel good, I like being able to put good karma out into the world. Some times, people just need to be reminded that there are good people out there, that someone is paying attention to their struggles.

I’ve actually had someone ask me why I still feel the need to give when life has taken so much from me. I had to think on that a minute. Mostly, I don’t feel like life has really taken anything from me, yes, I have cancer and I’m likely in the last year of my life, my children were taken from me before they had a chance to grow, my marriages didn’t work the way I wanted them to, but I feel like everything that has happened in my life was a stepping stone or a building block to the person I am today. Along with my mother and family, who shaped who I am, my struggles and hardships made me empathetic, they made me strong, they made me compassionate, they have given me the distinct understanding of the fact that life really is to short to waste it on petty grievances. My children are waiting patiently for me in the arms of their great grandparents, great uncles and aunts, I will see them soon enough, and our reunion will be joyous and full of light and love. So, my life, my hardships, my struggles haven’t taken from me, but they have given me a strength and a love of life that I can not ignore.

So, I look forward to sending out my five surprise gifts, and I’ve made some amazing nail mail pals through Instagram, and I love sending packages to them and seeing the joys and happiness that opening a package from me hopefully brings them!

I hope this little bit of insight helps you to understand why I am the way I am, and why I love giving gifts and paying it forward.

Much love,

Tiffannie

From the ashes a fire shall be woken.

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. Things I probably shouldn’t be thinking, then again things I really need to thing about. I was seeing someone, and he was wonderful, a bit flakey, but still a good man, now that that has ended, I don’t feel the need to find someone new. But I still yearn for that  bit of companionship, I miss Corey, in the worst possible way. It’s not even the not seeing him, it’s the not talking to him, I can’t text him whenever I want just to tell him something random. I mean, I have friends that I can do that with, right? So, why is it not the same? I even have a ton of guy friends that I could do that with, I could text Derek anything in the world, but it’s NOT the same. I love my friends, truly I do, it’s just not the same kind of love. I love Derek, Miles, Becca, Ren, Cheryl, everyone, but anyone who has ever been in love knows what I’m talking about, they know that being with someone creates a very different bond than friendship.

The bottom line in all of this rambling? I’m lonely. I want to wake up next to someone, to be able to text them and tell them something completely random that they just… get. I terribly miss my friends in Tulsa too, I can’t call Cheryl, Dori, or Ren and say, hey, let’s get Starbucks. I can’t text Derek and meet him for a beer at Twin Peaks (I like the food, he watches the bartenders) I can’t go to Ciao and hear Cynthia sing and listen to John pick on me for being on my phone. So, what do I do over here? I hang out with my sister and my mom, which is great I’m not complaining, or I go to Beccas house and hang out with them, but most of the time I just feel like I’m intruding on peoples lives, I’m like… a dark storm cloud. And it’s not because I’m negative all the time, I hide my depression really well around people. It’s more like I’m a reminder of something sad that they can’t do anything about.

So, my faithful followers, what should I do? Keep to myself? Look for love? (I’m kind of against this one) Just let things ride?

I know people are trying to help when they say “Oh, things will get better, your going to be fine, ect” But, they aren’t. Things are going to get worse, my health is never going to improve. Fact is, I’m going to be dead by this time next year. If I have accepted it, please stop trying to tell me I’ll get better, or I’ll be okay. Just accept it and support me in this situation.

Love you all.

T.