Why I do what I do….

I have a few nail mail girls that I regularly exchange packages with, I’m a regular pay it forwarder, and I love love love giving gifts to other people. Recently, some lovely ladies on Instagram started a PIF plan, the idea being to post the photo to your IG page, and the first five people who commented would at some point this year, get a gift from you, the “catch” being that they had to repost the photo and send out five gifts as well! Now most of my girls are into nail polish (Duh) but this plan was based on the fact that it didn’t have to be polish, it could be anything, but it would be a surprise. Now, any of you who actually have met me or spent any amount of time talking to me, you know that I absolutely love giving presents!

A lot of people asked me if I wanted to be included in their five for receiving a gift, and I politely declined, not because I dislike getting surprises, but because giving gifts makes me feel so much better than getting! I’m completely guilty of over gifting, when it comes to birthdays, Christmases, valentines day, I go all out, whether it’s for my significant other, or my family, hell, even my dogs get gifts on their birthdays!

I’ve always been a supporter of paying it forward, even before there was a movie or book. Random acts of kindness warm me from within spiritually, emotionally these acts give me a greater feeling than anything else. Which is why, when I lived in Tulsa, I made it a habit to pay for the car behind me in line at Starbucks, or pay for someone’s stuff when they didn’t have enough money. I still try to do it as much as possible, the other day, I walked into a gas station and was standing in line, a mother and a small child were buying snacks, and her debit card was being declined, all the little boy kept asking for was his string cheese, when she told him that he had to put it back, the look of heart break on his face just killed me, so I motioned to the cashier and told him I’d pay for their stuff, she turned around with this amazed look on her face and said “Why would you do that?” I just told her that next time she could, to do the same for someone else.

It made me feel good, I like being able to put good karma out into the world. Some times, people just need to be reminded that there are good people out there, that someone is paying attention to their struggles.

I’ve actually had someone ask me why I still feel the need to give when life has taken so much from me. I had to think on that a minute. Mostly, I don’t feel like life has really taken anything from me, yes, I have cancer and I’m likely in the last year of my life, my children were taken from me before they had a chance to grow, my marriages didn’t work the way I wanted them to, but I feel like everything that has happened in my life was a stepping stone or a building block to the person I am today. Along with my mother and family, who shaped who I am, my struggles and hardships made me empathetic, they made me strong, they made me compassionate, they have given me the distinct understanding of the fact that life really is to short to waste it on petty grievances. My children are waiting patiently for me in the arms of their great grandparents, great uncles and aunts, I will see them soon enough, and our reunion will be joyous and full of light and love. So, my life, my hardships, my struggles haven’t taken from me, but they have given me a strength and a love of life that I can not ignore.

So, I look forward to sending out my five surprise gifts, and I’ve made some amazing nail mail pals through Instagram, and I love sending packages to them and seeing the joys and happiness that opening a package from me hopefully brings them!

I hope this little bit of insight helps you to understand why I am the way I am, and why I love giving gifts and paying it forward.

Much love,

Tiffannie

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Oh My!

It has been a very very very long time since I posted anything, what with the holidays happening, plus health issues and life in general I haven’t had much time to say anything to  you all. But, I have some updates and photos to share, and my next post will be about one of my favorite things, Nail Polish! Oh, I can tell your excited already! Back to the holidays for a moment though. Thanksgiving was nice, we fixed a rather large dinner for just the four of us, but we ate and ate and then slept Ha! My mom, as always was an amazing cook, she made all the regular stuff, I didn’t really help do anything as I wasn’t feeling so hot, but it did turn out rather well. The photos below are from Thanksgiving, don’t you love mom’s vintage turkey platter? I think it’s adorable! Now, after the jump, we’ll talk about my nephew Talon’s birthday, then Christmas!

My nephew Talon turned to in December, and I being the rockin’ auntie that I am, go him something loud and annoying. A drum set. Yes, his parents hated me for a minute! He got some really cool toys and we had lots of fun watching him open things and eat his cake.

Christmas was, as always a very special time of year, I love hanging out with my family, I love decorating and shopping (duh!) to find the perfect gifts for those that I love. This year, I didn’t really ask for anything for Christmas, mostly because the only thing I truly wanted was to spend my last Christmas making everyone else delighted with their gifts. I think I managed to do that, and I got some cool stuff as well. Although, I have to say, gift of the year goes to Travis because he actually got me a tattoo. I mean, talk about the perfect gift! I’ll show it to you later! I decorated my house (of course) and then I helped mom put up her tree, which was always a fun tradition when I was growing up. We talked about making another big meal but decided we’d rather do something fun and non traditional. We always hang out on Christmas Eve and talk, or watch movies, have homemade cocoa, just relax before the manic busy sets in the next day. Well, frankly, no one was up for any busy-ness on Christmas, we all wanted to sit back, relax and just enjoy it. So, we did. I went and rented some movies, we had snacks of all sorts, I helped mom make three kinds of fudge, she made candied pecans (yum!) I made homemade toffee dip and apple slices, pinwheels, cream cheese pickles, and I bought (yes, I cheated) sugar cookies and hot chocolate cupcakes. Plus we had a platter of sausage, cheese and crackers, along with white cheese queso dip and chips. None of us were starving that night! Well, by the time the movies all finished up, it was about 2am on Christmas, so we took a vote and decided to go ahead and open gifts, that way we could all sleep in the next morning. Have I mentioned how glad I am that I no longer have to get up at 6am to see what Santa brought? I am, I like sleep way to much for that noise anymore! So everyone tore into their gifts, I was really happy to see everyone enjoying their presents. My mom got me, Beth and Becca matching shamrock necklaces, they’re very pretty! The Friday after Christmas we went over to Becca and Randy’s house to do Christmas with them, they got me a freaking hello kitty toaster. It’s about the best thing ever! So, that pretty much sums up Christmas! New years was kind of calm, went over to Brent and Emily’s, hung out with them, drank a little to much! Pretty basic. So far this year hasn’t done anything spectacular for me, except make me sicker than normal, my meds were doubled at the beginning of this month, so I’m still adjusting to a really high dose of chemo and steroids  but I’ll get used to it I’m sure! So, that’s pretty much what’s been going on in my life, I hope you enjoy the pictures I’ve shared and I hope your holidays were happy and filled with family and friends!

Much love until next time!

Tiffannie

Moral Compass.

It’s been a long while since I wrote, I can’t seem to get the hang of writing every day, I can take hundreds of pictures every day, but they require no words. There has been a lot and a little going on, mostly just life, or something like it, but it all seems to be hitting all at once. It’s a constant barrage of bad shit, good shit and dumb shit that leaves my head spinning right round, right round like a record baby….Ok, sorry. There’s just been so much happening that I really don’t even know where to begin. So. I won’t. I’ll hit the highs and lows, but leave the mundane shit out, which is probably good, since, who wants to read a mundane blog post anyway? Right? Right! Well, I found out that the guy I was seeing was married. Yeah, Married. With a pregnant wife. He is mentioned in previous posts, so I won’t bother with putting it here. It hurt me so badly to find out that he had lied to me the entire time we were seeing each other, but then, I started feeling horribly guilty, because I have been in his wifes place, I know what she will feel when she finds out, and she’ll find out, eventually, it all comes out in the wash. So, that was a huge kick in the gut for me, I mean, I really loved him, with all I had, and yet, he chose to do this to me. Now, I may not be what everyone would call a “good person” which is a completely relative term for me. I suppose I should say a little something about my so called “moral compass” before I go on about all this, I know that there are Christians out there that live according to their beliefs, their church and the bible. I have not one problem with that. I’m Catholic, I don’t go as often as I should, I know this, but I also know I have a good relationship with God. He’s not hatin’ on me, and I’m not hatin’ on him. I do things according to MY rules, yes, I live by Gods rules as well, but my rules are a bit more flexible, I’m pro choice, I support gay marriage, and equal rights, I don’t like illegal immigrants that come to take advantage of our country, I think sporting a gun is a right everyone should have, I think the penalty for child molestation should be the death penalty. I pay it forward all the time, if I have a friend in need, I do everything I can to help. I do what *I* feel is right, I have rules and standards that I hold myself to, I don’t mess around with married men, I don’t mess around on a spouse. If your unhappy, get a divorce, it’s pretty simple, and I’m sure I could get into debates about this rule and that one, but I don’t need to. I live my life to be a good person, to be kind, to help others and try to find happiness. So, when I found out Corey was married, I was devastated, because not only did he lie to me, he put my in a position without my knowledge to break one of my rules, and that makes me so mad. But I’m doing my best to just forgive and forget.

This post has ended up being so long that now I feel bad if I go on. Haha. I think I’m going to post this, then write a new one later tonight. Don’t worry, it won’t be all bad 🙂

Tiffannie

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Yes, I really do love that movie. Clint Eastwood will forever be a badass in my mind. So, other than the disappointing email from Corey, I haven’t posted much. Partially due to illness, somewhat due to depression. A lot of people don’t realize that even when you aren’t doing chemo and radiation to cure yourself of cancer, it’s a very expensive disease to have. Because you have to take medicines every day to keep the pain away, and to keep parts of your body functioning like they should (at least for the most part) which is one of the reason’s I started my postcard project because I knew I wouldn’t be able to travel a lot. My bucket list is pretty short, it mostly involves spending time with my family and my friends, doing some fun things with them and seeing a few concerts. Three, to be exact, before I take my dirt nap, I wanted to see Willie Nelson, Colt Ford and Brantley Gilbert. Now, if you’ve been alive more than 15 years, you know who Willie is, the other two, you might not know so well. Colt Ford is a phenomenal rapper/singer, and he’s country. And I mean, born and bred Georgia boy, complete with adorable twang. I saw him in Tulsa last year, but didn’t get to stay for the concert, I was six months pregnant and there were way to many fights, when my baby sister got punched in the face, we left. I was sad, but protecting the baby and her were more important. I haven’t seen Brantley Gilbert in anything but videos, but let me tell ya, these three men, who are famous, and I mean, FAMOUS, still seem like the kind of guys I want to sit down, drink a beer and bullshit with. Because of that they made my bucket list of concerts. Jason Aldean almost made it on there, but he’s kind of…. aloof? At least he seems so to me.

I’m straying past my point…. I found out that all three of these guys are playing within a 2 hour drive from me in the next two months. Colt is in Miami, OK on Sept 14th, Willie is actually playing this Sunday (the 12th) in Mt Home, and Brantley is playing in Poplar Bluff, Mo on Sept 28th. Now, my stomach got all butterfly-ee (that’s a word…really) and I looked at the ticket prices, that’s when the butterflies grabbed my heart to sink it. $85 to see Willie, $25 for Colt and $37 for Brantley. Well, don’t get me wrong, I know these guys completely deserve to make their money, I wouldn’t begrudge any artist of that, but when you combine gas, tickets, and food/beverage money, that’s almost $125 a trip. I thought about trying to raise the money, but I would feel awful having someone else pay for my fun, plus it just doesn’t seem right. I’d rather those donations go to something like cancer research, or make a wish for kids with cancer. My mom was a trooper, she said she would get me to these places (she’d have to drive anyway, to much driving/sitting up wears me out real quickly) but I’d have to find the money for the tickets. I asked my Dr if I could skip some meds for a few weeks (not a good idea, he sounded like he was going to have a stroke) so that’s out of the question. I’ve been looking for giveaways, and contests to see if that was happening and so far I’m not having much luck. I’m praying about it, and I know that if I’m meant to go, I’ll go, but if God has another plan, it’s really up to Him anyway. So, that’s my slight update as to what’s going on, I’m skipping over the last visits to the hospital and such, mostly because I don’t want to relive it. (It sucked BIG time) Don’t ever ever get a spinal tap. They HURT. I had four in a two hour period. BLEH. I will try to update more often, depending on how I’m feeling. I hope this finds all of you happy, healthy and enjoying the last bits of summer.

(Edit: If anyone hears of a giveaway or contest PLEASE let me know! You can email me at tiffannieamber@gmail.com Thank you <3)

Love you all.

Tiffannie

Things that just PISS ME OFF.

I have to vent about this somewhere and since this is my own personal platform for these things, I’ll just go right ahead and put it on here. Corey decided out of the blue that he was going to stop communicating with me. I haven’t heard from him in a month at least, until tonight when I got an email. Yeah, a FUCKING EMAIL. It was only one sentence, “It soothes my soul to know your ok”

Are you KIDDING me? So, I cried, cause well I’m a bit of a cry baby lately. Then, I thought about it, and I got MAD, like, had to much whiskey and need to punch something mad. It felt….righteous. I’m posting my return email to him, just because, again. feels right. Sorry for the cursing, but sometimes sentence enhancers are all you got.

Do you know what it’s like to not be able to get out of bed everyday, or to face the unbelievable amount of pain that I am in. I spent last weekend in the hospital, getting spinal tap after spinal tap just so they could make sure the cancer isn’t eating my spinal cord. It was SO FUN. I’m so glad that you have time between work and your kid and your wife/gf/fuckbuddy that you took the time to EMAIL me, rather than text or call to really let me know that you never even gave a shit. It’s great having a broken heart to go along with my broken body. I love you still, and I dream about you every night. But you can take your soul soothing and shove it straight up your cowardly lying ass. Until you grow a set of nuts and actually come out with the TRUTH about why you chose to end things like you did, it would probably be easier if you just left me alone, since you are SO GOOD AT BREAKING PROMISES, I’m sure you won’t have any problem with that. I love facing this disease everyday, ALONE, because you can’t keep your word.

Always,
T.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken.

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. Things I probably shouldn’t be thinking, then again things I really need to thing about. I was seeing someone, and he was wonderful, a bit flakey, but still a good man, now that that has ended, I don’t feel the need to find someone new. But I still yearn for that  bit of companionship, I miss Corey, in the worst possible way. It’s not even the not seeing him, it’s the not talking to him, I can’t text him whenever I want just to tell him something random. I mean, I have friends that I can do that with, right? So, why is it not the same? I even have a ton of guy friends that I could do that with, I could text Derek anything in the world, but it’s NOT the same. I love my friends, truly I do, it’s just not the same kind of love. I love Derek, Miles, Becca, Ren, Cheryl, everyone, but anyone who has ever been in love knows what I’m talking about, they know that being with someone creates a very different bond than friendship.

The bottom line in all of this rambling? I’m lonely. I want to wake up next to someone, to be able to text them and tell them something completely random that they just… get. I terribly miss my friends in Tulsa too, I can’t call Cheryl, Dori, or Ren and say, hey, let’s get Starbucks. I can’t text Derek and meet him for a beer at Twin Peaks (I like the food, he watches the bartenders) I can’t go to Ciao and hear Cynthia sing and listen to John pick on me for being on my phone. So, what do I do over here? I hang out with my sister and my mom, which is great I’m not complaining, or I go to Beccas house and hang out with them, but most of the time I just feel like I’m intruding on peoples lives, I’m like… a dark storm cloud. And it’s not because I’m negative all the time, I hide my depression really well around people. It’s more like I’m a reminder of something sad that they can’t do anything about.

So, my faithful followers, what should I do? Keep to myself? Look for love? (I’m kind of against this one) Just let things ride?

I know people are trying to help when they say “Oh, things will get better, your going to be fine, ect” But, they aren’t. Things are going to get worse, my health is never going to improve. Fact is, I’m going to be dead by this time next year. If I have accepted it, please stop trying to tell me I’ll get better, or I’ll be okay. Just accept it and support me in this situation.

Love you all.

T.