NO shame on you, NO shame on me.

I wrote the other day about sex shaming, which I don’t feel completely finished with but I’m not sure how else to approach the subject. Today, I’d like to talk about body shaming, there are some beautiful campaigns and movements to get women and girls to accept and love their bodies, which is fabulous!!! However, I see a disturbing trend from women of bigger sizes, who feel the need to put down, make fun of, talk down to, women who are tiny. This is NOT OK. Not at ALL. I see it all over social media. “Real men like meat, bones are for dogs” is a popular meme that features one rather skinny woman, and one woman with curves. Again, this is NOT OK. It’s not ok to make ANYONE feel bad about their body! No girl/woman wants to be told she’s super fat. It doesn’t make them feel good. So why would you want to make a woman who is skinny feel bad about herself? I hear things from bigger girls like, I have a medical condition, it’s thyroid, it’s this, or it’s that. Well, that’s just fine, no big deal, but what about the girl that just walked by you in the store that’s a size zero and you turned to your friend/mother/sister/husband and made a fucked up comment, perhaps something like “bitch needs to eat” or “Crack head” What if that girl has a medical condition? What if her thyroid is bad? What if it’s just her natural genetics to be skinny, no matter how much she eats? Why, WHY WHY WHYYYYYY!? Would you turn around and do the EXACT same thing to someone else that you DESPISE being done to you?!

Now, I’m not here to preach about “One love” or “everyone should be the same” or anything like that. I get it, people are different, there will always be a difference of opinions, there will always be variety, and that’s a GOOD thing! That’s part of what makes the world such a great place. We not only as women, but as human beings, should be supportive, accepting, and non judgmental of EVERYONE. I’m not saying you can’t disagree, or have a differing opinion, what I’m saying is that everyone, all over the world, is dealing with SOMETHING. I wouldn’t even hazard a guess at some things, but you must remember that you have your problems (and if you tell me you have zero problems, first, I’m going to call you a liar, second, I’m going to roll my eyes and write you off as an asshole) and they have theirs. You’d probably be surprised at how many of us share the same problems.

I feel the need about now, to say/admit/put it out there, that I am a self proclaimed fat kid. I am over weight, I pretty much always have been “heavy” because of things that have happened to me in my past, things I deal with on a daily basis, ect. I will most likely always be over weight. I would also like to point out that the “BMI” for my height is RIDICULOUS. Complete and utter BULLSHIT. I’m 5’9 inches tall, the chart that I see most often says my ideal weight is between 140-156 pounds. Uh, no. The least I’ve ever weighed (which was while doing chemo and radiation) was 186 pounds, and I looked SICK. (Yes, I was sick, but I LOOKED it) I was a walking talking sack of bones. I wasn’t pretty, I wasn’t svelte. I was a skeleton, with skin. I never, ever ever ever EVER, want to go back to that. I think that scientists (HA) need to realize that it’s not something you can put on a chart, it’s not something that can just be labeled as “Healthy” or “Obese” I fully admit, I’m on a mission to lose some weight, not because I’m not happy with my body, but because I don’t feel healthy, I can honestly say I’d be fine if I didn’t lose weight, if I just upped my endurance, my muscle tone, ect. I’d still be fine with the way I am. Because I am ME. I’m not a number on a chart, I’m not the number on the scale, I worked hard to accept myself as I am, and while I don’t expect society to put me on the cover of Vanity Fair (that’d be SO COOL though!) I don’t want to be judged based on how I look.

This doesn’t just apply to people of high or low weight either. People with tattoos, people with glasses, piercings, people with anything other than the “Norm” which lets face it, there is NO MORE NORM. Norm is dead. Rest in Peace Norm.

As I said earlier, I’m a self proclaimed fat kid. I don’t have a problem saying it. I’m a fat kid! I’m a fat kid! See? Nothing wrong with it. Hey, Michelle Obama, I’M A FAT KID, SO SUCK IT. I hate the connotation of “Fat” always means bad. They’ve discovered healthy fats, so why can’t I be a healthy fat kid? People assume that because I’m a fat kid, I sit around and eat cake all day, or candy or whatever, sorry, that’s not me. I eat sweets, but it’s not an everyday thing. I eat healthy, although some days (more days than I’d like to admit) I don’t eat at all. I either don’t feel like it, or I forget (yes, I forget) or something comes up and I just don’t have the chance. I was on a really REALLY bad soda habit, but I’ve actually cut that down drastically, I’ve been drinking lots more water, some tea, some soda, but my bottom line is this: I’m going to eat, or drink whatever makes me happy. I don’t want to live a “healthy lifestyle” if it means I can’t eat chocolate chip cookies with my nephew, or drink my mommas homemade (very awesome) cocoa. I want to LIVE, and I want to do it on MY terms, no one else’s.

So, ladies and gents, next time you see a woman, who is a tiny size two, and your size 16 self wants to open it’s mouth and be rude.

STOP. Just stop.

Let’s start trying to figure out how to be accepting of EVERY body’s size, shape, height, ink, or lack thereof, and stop the name calling, YOU are not better than HER, SHE is not better than YOU. You’re BOTH wonderful creatures born to do great things, so stop worrying about others, and start in on that path!

Until next time,

Tiffannie

Shame, guilt, and other bullshit.

I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot of stuff I don’t like lately. Slut shaming, body shaming, religious shaming, I’m just overall tired of it. I’ve been  a victim of shaming my whole life, and it’s never a good feeling. Now, I’m not a very outspoken advocate for much of anything. However, after hearing and seeing all of these things, and having felt the intense feelings that this behavior brings, I really just want to put my two cents in.

I’ll start off by saying, I do my best, everyday, to not judge people. I truly believe that I have absolutely NO business judging someone by what they do, who they are, what they believe. I’m strictly a mind my own damned business kind of person. I will add though, that if you are either an animal or child abuser, I’m not only judging you, I might actually be planning your death in my head.

I know that there are “traditional” morals and values that people feel compelled to go by, I understand that there have always been different standards for men and women. But I honestly figured that by the year 2014, with the female equality in the workplace, in public, everywhere really, there would be much less of today’s double standards from a moral perspective. In the past, men who “had” a lot of women, were considered awesome, manly, even lucky. Cheating on your wife wasn’t truly even looked down upon, but a wife…phew, don’t let her get caught A) having sex before marriage B) cheating on a husband or C) showing any form of sexual confidence or competence. Today, admittedly, women have slightly more say in their sexuality, and reproductive rights. BUT. Yes, that’s a big but, Women, who are archaically called “Promiscuous” are still considered sluts, whores, bitches, easy, loose, ect. MY only question is

WHY? WHY WHY WHY!?!?!?!

I am a 33 year old woman. I LOVE sex. I love it. I love everything about it. I love everything from making out to the primal, lust driven climaxes of both parties. To me, sex is a beautiful, fun, dirty, sweaty, messy adventure. I don’t believe it should only be done for procreation, I also don’t think there’s a damned thing wrong with women owning the fact that they love it. It’s a very disturbing behavior that people (including people I know personally) will talk down to people, make fun of them, call them names, just because they openly admit and go after what they want. If you like sex, whether you’re a man or woman, and you have sex a lot, whether with one person or several, as long as you’re safe about it (condoms, regular std testing, birth control, ect) then go for it. Own that shit. I don’t condone cheating on a partner, so don’t take it that way. I do however think there are ALL kinds of relationships. I also believe in the importance of being extremely up front with whomever your with about the things that make you happy and unhappy. If you, like me, can’t foresee being with one person in a marriage, then don’t do it.

It angers me so much when people judge other people, and begs the question, is it hurting you? No? Then what business is it of yours?!?! I especially dislike the two main types of judgmental people, the hypocrites, and the ones who’ve never experienced anything, but feel they have the right to judge anyway. So, from now on, before you judge anyone on how they live their lives, maybe you should stop, take a breath, ask yourself if they’re hurting you, or if their lifestyle effects yours in ANY way. No? Then take off you’re judging robes and go live your own life.

Judging is just another form of bullying, and with all of the programs, awareness campaigns, I would think that most of them would at least touch on this subject, but it seems to be some type of taboo subject, something that women, are supposed to feel guilty about, something to hide. We, as women, aren’t supposed to say “Hey, I want to get laid, so, I’m going to hook up with a guy and get laid” These are not things “good people” say. Well, I’m a good person, and I’ll say it. Guilt is for people who don’t want to be happy, for people who need to control other people, and it’s bullshit. Complete and total bullshit.

This turned out to be a much longer post than I figured, so I think I’m going to break it up into smaller parts, next, I’m going to put my two cents in on body shaming.

Much Love,

Tiffannie

394709_619917461367525_1335423640_n

Hello world, it’s been awhile.

My oh my, I’m writing, again. Uh oh, she must be feeling melancholy. Well, I am a bit, but not to bad. Lots has happened since I wrote last. So much I actually have a hard time trying to remember all of it. There was St Paddy’s day, which rocked. That whole weekend is kind of a drunken blur. It was great! Then the “tragedy” that was the guy I was dating ended (thankfully) he just… wasn’t for me, to much drama and anger in his life. So, I actually met a new guy named Levi, like him a lot, but the he was in a car accident and was in ICU in St Louis for a couple of weeks, he’s out now and doing better, but I still haven’t been able to see him, I’m hoping to do so this week (maybe that’s my birthday wish?) Yes, I have a birthday coming up on Wednesday , which I always feel forgotten on my birthday, maybe not forgotten, but like I’m not really worth celebrating. I kind of feel like that at Christmas too. Maybe I’m to old to expect someone to be happy I’m alive, I don’t know. Rationally, I know that part of my problem is jealousy, I’m jealous of my sister, the baby, the sheltered, protected, spoiled kid. Don’t get me wrong, I fully helped in the spoiling, but, a lot of holidays, I kind of feel like my mom views me as something to be rushed past, not as something to be celebrated. Last year, she and I got together, and came up with adoption papers for my best friend (now sister), we got her pictures and a beautiful book to put them in. Beth got a puppy(!) for her last birthday and we went out to celebrate with dinner/drinks and karaoke, then came home and had cake. My last birthday, I got a fern. Yep. So, yeah, I feel like the red headed step child. Well, except, I’m blonde, and my sister is red headed. But you generally get my drift. I don’t need a Super sweet 16, I don’t need a range rover or diamonds. Just someone to sit and actually think, I bet she would really love this, this is SO Tiff. We’ll see.

So, yesterday…. 9 years since my dad died. (another reason my birthday sucks, we buried dad on my birthday) Some days it feels like it just happened, others it seems like it’s been so much longer. I still don’t know exactly how I feel about the whole thing. Most days, I feel like I’m over it completely, then either sadness or anger wells up out of no where and it leaves me shocked and breathless. I know it’s healthy to let go of old anger and bad things, but sometimes, you really just want to yell at them all over again.

Anyways, so I’m still collecting nail polish like crazy (very crazy if you ask Levi) but hey, I love it, and it’s fun for me. I’m sure there are a million other things I could write, but I just sprayed my keyboard with cleaner and the smell is gagging me, so, Here’s to a birthday they said I wouldn’t have.

Much Love.

Tiffannie

Why I do what I do….

I have a few nail mail girls that I regularly exchange packages with, I’m a regular pay it forwarder, and I love love love giving gifts to other people. Recently, some lovely ladies on Instagram started a PIF plan, the idea being to post the photo to your IG page, and the first five people who commented would at some point this year, get a gift from you, the “catch” being that they had to repost the photo and send out five gifts as well! Now most of my girls are into nail polish (Duh) but this plan was based on the fact that it didn’t have to be polish, it could be anything, but it would be a surprise. Now, any of you who actually have met me or spent any amount of time talking to me, you know that I absolutely love giving presents!

A lot of people asked me if I wanted to be included in their five for receiving a gift, and I politely declined, not because I dislike getting surprises, but because giving gifts makes me feel so much better than getting! I’m completely guilty of over gifting, when it comes to birthdays, Christmases, valentines day, I go all out, whether it’s for my significant other, or my family, hell, even my dogs get gifts on their birthdays!

I’ve always been a supporter of paying it forward, even before there was a movie or book. Random acts of kindness warm me from within spiritually, emotionally these acts give me a greater feeling than anything else. Which is why, when I lived in Tulsa, I made it a habit to pay for the car behind me in line at Starbucks, or pay for someone’s stuff when they didn’t have enough money. I still try to do it as much as possible, the other day, I walked into a gas station and was standing in line, a mother and a small child were buying snacks, and her debit card was being declined, all the little boy kept asking for was his string cheese, when she told him that he had to put it back, the look of heart break on his face just killed me, so I motioned to the cashier and told him I’d pay for their stuff, she turned around with this amazed look on her face and said “Why would you do that?” I just told her that next time she could, to do the same for someone else.

It made me feel good, I like being able to put good karma out into the world. Some times, people just need to be reminded that there are good people out there, that someone is paying attention to their struggles.

I’ve actually had someone ask me why I still feel the need to give when life has taken so much from me. I had to think on that a minute. Mostly, I don’t feel like life has really taken anything from me, yes, I have cancer and I’m likely in the last year of my life, my children were taken from me before they had a chance to grow, my marriages didn’t work the way I wanted them to, but I feel like everything that has happened in my life was a stepping stone or a building block to the person I am today. Along with my mother and family, who shaped who I am, my struggles and hardships made me empathetic, they made me strong, they made me compassionate, they have given me the distinct understanding of the fact that life really is to short to waste it on petty grievances. My children are waiting patiently for me in the arms of their great grandparents, great uncles and aunts, I will see them soon enough, and our reunion will be joyous and full of light and love. So, my life, my hardships, my struggles haven’t taken from me, but they have given me a strength and a love of life that I can not ignore.

So, I look forward to sending out my five surprise gifts, and I’ve made some amazing nail mail pals through Instagram, and I love sending packages to them and seeing the joys and happiness that opening a package from me hopefully brings them!

I hope this little bit of insight helps you to understand why I am the way I am, and why I love giving gifts and paying it forward.

Much love,

Tiffannie

Review: Pure Ice Polish: Glitters

I recently had the chance to review the Pure Ice polishes collection for 2013. I have to say, in the past I have used Pure Ice polishes and liked them, but with the newest colors and collections they have really managed to step up their game on the velour polishes, and their new glitter polishes are right up there with the more expensive brands. I haven’t found one that I don’t love. I have about 26 polishes to review, so I’m going to do them a few at a time, so I don;’t overwhelm you lovelies or myself!

20121228_232649

 

 

This is Material Girl, it’s a dusty pink glitter in a clear base with large pink and gold diamond glitter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20121228_232609

 

This is Treasure Hunt, a sage green glitter in a clear base with large blue, purple and green glitter. This polish reminds me of an Easter Egg!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20121228_232528

 

This is Stop Flirtin, a lovely light blue glitter with a clear base and medium round silver glitters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20121228_232434

 

 

This is Party of Five, a clear based teal glitter with large teal, pink, and purple glitters. I’m not sure I’m in love with this glitter, but the application was smooth and glitter placement wasn’t an issue.

 

 

 

 

 

20121228_232414

 

 

This is Champagne, which to me, the name doesn’t suit the polish at all, but as far as color and coverage go, this is a great one, a combination of blues and greens give this clear based glitter a full coverage in two coats, and the color shift is gorgeous.

 

 

 

20121228_232347

French Twist, is probably my second favorite glitter polish, with it’s black base and electric blue glitter, it just screams FUN at me, coverage on this one is a little harder, two coats gives a grey-ish black base, but three coats definitely does the trick, I think a big difference is letting each coat dry completely, otherwise the glitter tries to move around.

20121228_232309

 

 

This is Five-some and I’m posting two photos of it because it is by far my favorite, but also the hardest one to capture. This is a black base with multi colored micro glitter and I have to say it is absolutely stunning! Two coats of this and sealed with a glossy top coat is so understated and gorgeous that I can’t begin to say enough good things

20121228_232258about it! I’ve used it several times on my toes, as well as multiple manicures, plus it looks gorgeous paired with purple or pink cremes and using this for tips of glitter gradients!

 

 

 

 

 

20121228_221008

This beauty is Alter Ego, a brown based polish with gold micro glitter and small silver/grey matte glitters, I am not a fan of brown polish at all, but this is actually very pretty, good glitter coverage and two coats covers completely.

20121228_232111This is Playtime, a gorgeous full coverage glitter made up of gold and copper! The shift in this polish is so sparkly! It’s a clear base, and two coats gives good coverage. My mother saw this after I got it and immediately asked me to do her toes with it, which she never does! I love that unless you look closely you don’t actually see the copper glitter, it just shifts in the light!

 

All told, these glitter polishes from Pure Ice are by far some of my favorites that have come out this year. Pure Ice has really made a come back as far as colors and “keeping up with the Joneses” plus at $1.97 a bottle, you can pretty much afford the whole collection, rather than one or two.

My next post will feature Pure Ice shimmer polishes, be prepared for some gorgeousness girls!

Much Love!

Tiffannie

 

Pure Ice is available at Wal-Mart, Walgreens and their online store.

Pure Ice on Instagram

Pure Ice on Facebook
Disclaimer: Pure Ice Polish sent me these polishes for free to review, I am not being paid for my opinion.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Oh My!

It has been a very very very long time since I posted anything, what with the holidays happening, plus health issues and life in general I haven’t had much time to say anything to  you all. But, I have some updates and photos to share, and my next post will be about one of my favorite things, Nail Polish! Oh, I can tell your excited already! Back to the holidays for a moment though. Thanksgiving was nice, we fixed a rather large dinner for just the four of us, but we ate and ate and then slept Ha! My mom, as always was an amazing cook, she made all the regular stuff, I didn’t really help do anything as I wasn’t feeling so hot, but it did turn out rather well. The photos below are from Thanksgiving, don’t you love mom’s vintage turkey platter? I think it’s adorable! Now, after the jump, we’ll talk about my nephew Talon’s birthday, then Christmas!

My nephew Talon turned to in December, and I being the rockin’ auntie that I am, go him something loud and annoying. A drum set. Yes, his parents hated me for a minute! He got some really cool toys and we had lots of fun watching him open things and eat his cake.

Christmas was, as always a very special time of year, I love hanging out with my family, I love decorating and shopping (duh!) to find the perfect gifts for those that I love. This year, I didn’t really ask for anything for Christmas, mostly because the only thing I truly wanted was to spend my last Christmas making everyone else delighted with their gifts. I think I managed to do that, and I got some cool stuff as well. Although, I have to say, gift of the year goes to Travis because he actually got me a tattoo. I mean, talk about the perfect gift! I’ll show it to you later! I decorated my house (of course) and then I helped mom put up her tree, which was always a fun tradition when I was growing up. We talked about making another big meal but decided we’d rather do something fun and non traditional. We always hang out on Christmas Eve and talk, or watch movies, have homemade cocoa, just relax before the manic busy sets in the next day. Well, frankly, no one was up for any busy-ness on Christmas, we all wanted to sit back, relax and just enjoy it. So, we did. I went and rented some movies, we had snacks of all sorts, I helped mom make three kinds of fudge, she made candied pecans (yum!) I made homemade toffee dip and apple slices, pinwheels, cream cheese pickles, and I bought (yes, I cheated) sugar cookies and hot chocolate cupcakes. Plus we had a platter of sausage, cheese and crackers, along with white cheese queso dip and chips. None of us were starving that night! Well, by the time the movies all finished up, it was about 2am on Christmas, so we took a vote and decided to go ahead and open gifts, that way we could all sleep in the next morning. Have I mentioned how glad I am that I no longer have to get up at 6am to see what Santa brought? I am, I like sleep way to much for that noise anymore! So everyone tore into their gifts, I was really happy to see everyone enjoying their presents. My mom got me, Beth and Becca matching shamrock necklaces, they’re very pretty! The Friday after Christmas we went over to Becca and Randy’s house to do Christmas with them, they got me a freaking hello kitty toaster. It’s about the best thing ever! So, that pretty much sums up Christmas! New years was kind of calm, went over to Brent and Emily’s, hung out with them, drank a little to much! Pretty basic. So far this year hasn’t done anything spectacular for me, except make me sicker than normal, my meds were doubled at the beginning of this month, so I’m still adjusting to a really high dose of chemo and steroids  but I’ll get used to it I’m sure! So, that’s pretty much what’s been going on in my life, I hope you enjoy the pictures I’ve shared and I hope your holidays were happy and filled with family and friends!

Much love until next time!

Tiffannie

Moral Compass.

It’s been a long while since I wrote, I can’t seem to get the hang of writing every day, I can take hundreds of pictures every day, but they require no words. There has been a lot and a little going on, mostly just life, or something like it, but it all seems to be hitting all at once. It’s a constant barrage of bad shit, good shit and dumb shit that leaves my head spinning right round, right round like a record baby….Ok, sorry. There’s just been so much happening that I really don’t even know where to begin. So. I won’t. I’ll hit the highs and lows, but leave the mundane shit out, which is probably good, since, who wants to read a mundane blog post anyway? Right? Right! Well, I found out that the guy I was seeing was married. Yeah, Married. With a pregnant wife. He is mentioned in previous posts, so I won’t bother with putting it here. It hurt me so badly to find out that he had lied to me the entire time we were seeing each other, but then, I started feeling horribly guilty, because I have been in his wifes place, I know what she will feel when she finds out, and she’ll find out, eventually, it all comes out in the wash. So, that was a huge kick in the gut for me, I mean, I really loved him, with all I had, and yet, he chose to do this to me. Now, I may not be what everyone would call a “good person” which is a completely relative term for me. I suppose I should say a little something about my so called “moral compass” before I go on about all this, I know that there are Christians out there that live according to their beliefs, their church and the bible. I have not one problem with that. I’m Catholic, I don’t go as often as I should, I know this, but I also know I have a good relationship with God. He’s not hatin’ on me, and I’m not hatin’ on him. I do things according to MY rules, yes, I live by Gods rules as well, but my rules are a bit more flexible, I’m pro choice, I support gay marriage, and equal rights, I don’t like illegal immigrants that come to take advantage of our country, I think sporting a gun is a right everyone should have, I think the penalty for child molestation should be the death penalty. I pay it forward all the time, if I have a friend in need, I do everything I can to help. I do what *I* feel is right, I have rules and standards that I hold myself to, I don’t mess around with married men, I don’t mess around on a spouse. If your unhappy, get a divorce, it’s pretty simple, and I’m sure I could get into debates about this rule and that one, but I don’t need to. I live my life to be a good person, to be kind, to help others and try to find happiness. So, when I found out Corey was married, I was devastated, because not only did he lie to me, he put my in a position without my knowledge to break one of my rules, and that makes me so mad. But I’m doing my best to just forgive and forget.

This post has ended up being so long that now I feel bad if I go on. Haha. I think I’m going to post this, then write a new one later tonight. Don’t worry, it won’t be all bad 🙂

Tiffannie

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Yes, I really do love that movie. Clint Eastwood will forever be a badass in my mind. So, other than the disappointing email from Corey, I haven’t posted much. Partially due to illness, somewhat due to depression. A lot of people don’t realize that even when you aren’t doing chemo and radiation to cure yourself of cancer, it’s a very expensive disease to have. Because you have to take medicines every day to keep the pain away, and to keep parts of your body functioning like they should (at least for the most part) which is one of the reason’s I started my postcard project because I knew I wouldn’t be able to travel a lot. My bucket list is pretty short, it mostly involves spending time with my family and my friends, doing some fun things with them and seeing a few concerts. Three, to be exact, before I take my dirt nap, I wanted to see Willie Nelson, Colt Ford and Brantley Gilbert. Now, if you’ve been alive more than 15 years, you know who Willie is, the other two, you might not know so well. Colt Ford is a phenomenal rapper/singer, and he’s country. And I mean, born and bred Georgia boy, complete with adorable twang. I saw him in Tulsa last year, but didn’t get to stay for the concert, I was six months pregnant and there were way to many fights, when my baby sister got punched in the face, we left. I was sad, but protecting the baby and her were more important. I haven’t seen Brantley Gilbert in anything but videos, but let me tell ya, these three men, who are famous, and I mean, FAMOUS, still seem like the kind of guys I want to sit down, drink a beer and bullshit with. Because of that they made my bucket list of concerts. Jason Aldean almost made it on there, but he’s kind of…. aloof? At least he seems so to me.

I’m straying past my point…. I found out that all three of these guys are playing within a 2 hour drive from me in the next two months. Colt is in Miami, OK on Sept 14th, Willie is actually playing this Sunday (the 12th) in Mt Home, and Brantley is playing in Poplar Bluff, Mo on Sept 28th. Now, my stomach got all butterfly-ee (that’s a word…really) and I looked at the ticket prices, that’s when the butterflies grabbed my heart to sink it. $85 to see Willie, $25 for Colt and $37 for Brantley. Well, don’t get me wrong, I know these guys completely deserve to make their money, I wouldn’t begrudge any artist of that, but when you combine gas, tickets, and food/beverage money, that’s almost $125 a trip. I thought about trying to raise the money, but I would feel awful having someone else pay for my fun, plus it just doesn’t seem right. I’d rather those donations go to something like cancer research, or make a wish for kids with cancer. My mom was a trooper, she said she would get me to these places (she’d have to drive anyway, to much driving/sitting up wears me out real quickly) but I’d have to find the money for the tickets. I asked my Dr if I could skip some meds for a few weeks (not a good idea, he sounded like he was going to have a stroke) so that’s out of the question. I’ve been looking for giveaways, and contests to see if that was happening and so far I’m not having much luck. I’m praying about it, and I know that if I’m meant to go, I’ll go, but if God has another plan, it’s really up to Him anyway. So, that’s my slight update as to what’s going on, I’m skipping over the last visits to the hospital and such, mostly because I don’t want to relive it. (It sucked BIG time) Don’t ever ever get a spinal tap. They HURT. I had four in a two hour period. BLEH. I will try to update more often, depending on how I’m feeling. I hope this finds all of you happy, healthy and enjoying the last bits of summer.

(Edit: If anyone hears of a giveaway or contest PLEASE let me know! You can email me at tiffannieamber@gmail.com Thank you <3)

Love you all.

Tiffannie

Things that just PISS ME OFF.

I have to vent about this somewhere and since this is my own personal platform for these things, I’ll just go right ahead and put it on here. Corey decided out of the blue that he was going to stop communicating with me. I haven’t heard from him in a month at least, until tonight when I got an email. Yeah, a FUCKING EMAIL. It was only one sentence, “It soothes my soul to know your ok”

Are you KIDDING me? So, I cried, cause well I’m a bit of a cry baby lately. Then, I thought about it, and I got MAD, like, had to much whiskey and need to punch something mad. It felt….righteous. I’m posting my return email to him, just because, again. feels right. Sorry for the cursing, but sometimes sentence enhancers are all you got.

Do you know what it’s like to not be able to get out of bed everyday, or to face the unbelievable amount of pain that I am in. I spent last weekend in the hospital, getting spinal tap after spinal tap just so they could make sure the cancer isn’t eating my spinal cord. It was SO FUN. I’m so glad that you have time between work and your kid and your wife/gf/fuckbuddy that you took the time to EMAIL me, rather than text or call to really let me know that you never even gave a shit. It’s great having a broken heart to go along with my broken body. I love you still, and I dream about you every night. But you can take your soul soothing and shove it straight up your cowardly lying ass. Until you grow a set of nuts and actually come out with the TRUTH about why you chose to end things like you did, it would probably be easier if you just left me alone, since you are SO GOOD AT BREAKING PROMISES, I’m sure you won’t have any problem with that. I love facing this disease everyday, ALONE, because you can’t keep your word.

Always,
T.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken.

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. Things I probably shouldn’t be thinking, then again things I really need to thing about. I was seeing someone, and he was wonderful, a bit flakey, but still a good man, now that that has ended, I don’t feel the need to find someone new. But I still yearn for that  bit of companionship, I miss Corey, in the worst possible way. It’s not even the not seeing him, it’s the not talking to him, I can’t text him whenever I want just to tell him something random. I mean, I have friends that I can do that with, right? So, why is it not the same? I even have a ton of guy friends that I could do that with, I could text Derek anything in the world, but it’s NOT the same. I love my friends, truly I do, it’s just not the same kind of love. I love Derek, Miles, Becca, Ren, Cheryl, everyone, but anyone who has ever been in love knows what I’m talking about, they know that being with someone creates a very different bond than friendship.

The bottom line in all of this rambling? I’m lonely. I want to wake up next to someone, to be able to text them and tell them something completely random that they just… get. I terribly miss my friends in Tulsa too, I can’t call Cheryl, Dori, or Ren and say, hey, let’s get Starbucks. I can’t text Derek and meet him for a beer at Twin Peaks (I like the food, he watches the bartenders) I can’t go to Ciao and hear Cynthia sing and listen to John pick on me for being on my phone. So, what do I do over here? I hang out with my sister and my mom, which is great I’m not complaining, or I go to Beccas house and hang out with them, but most of the time I just feel like I’m intruding on peoples lives, I’m like… a dark storm cloud. And it’s not because I’m negative all the time, I hide my depression really well around people. It’s more like I’m a reminder of something sad that they can’t do anything about.

So, my faithful followers, what should I do? Keep to myself? Look for love? (I’m kind of against this one) Just let things ride?

I know people are trying to help when they say “Oh, things will get better, your going to be fine, ect” But, they aren’t. Things are going to get worse, my health is never going to improve. Fact is, I’m going to be dead by this time next year. If I have accepted it, please stop trying to tell me I’ll get better, or I’ll be okay. Just accept it and support me in this situation.

Love you all.

T.